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" Me too. We can hold each other when they come," she interrupted again." ... and I have a spirit in my head that talks to me, and I'm paranoid about everything. I probably have PTSD and I'll wake up someday a raving lunatic, or worse." I like Martinez. He visited my head when we were in Florida, you know. I don't care about the paranoia. Have you had any strong feeling of paranoia lately? I don't think so. I think that you were paranoid – note the use of the past tense – because you were living alone. Now you mostly have memories of being paranoid. Everybody who has been through a dangerous situation probably has PTSD. If you wake up a lunatic, I still don't care. You wouldn't hurt me. I know you wouldn't." It hasn't been long since my ex-wife left me. I'm not over that yet." That sounded hollow even to me."Only about eleven years. Were you planning on taking that to the grave?" I was nuts for most of that time. I haven't gotten used to it, now that I'm sane." I thought you were. That wasthe easy part. The hard part was trying to keep from getting a boner inmy dancer's belt, men's leotard and tights when I was helping, orsimply, watching the girls stretch in those outfits.One girl friend noticed once, but she teased me and tried to set me upwith the other boy in the room who she swore that I had a thing for.Fortunately, he did not have a thing for me. I think he knew that Iwasn't really gay since he seemed somewhat amused by my situation. Henever made me explain myself though. I still wonder if he knew thatwhat I really wanted more than anything was to be one of the girls.The boners didn't last long though. Not long before I started balletclasses, I was put on anti-depressants to deal with the stress of thelie I was living. The drugs had the ever so lovely side effect ofmaking me impotent. As you might imagine, spending the remainder of mycollege years as a prancing, ballet dancing, impotent sissy did wondersfor my self-esteem.It was not until a few.
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